Conflicts... of heart or mind???

Dear online diary,
I couldn sleep today. I was just thinking of the words that was exchanged wondering if I could do any worst. I know that she's the kind of person that will definitely live and let go but then again will I be able to let go. I feel so bad for behaving the way I did but I was being me. I really didn't want to come out looking as the overprotective, insecure 'timekeeping' sort of person. I was just doing some thinking about us and I think if it was me, I'll never want to see me ever again. Will she ever be able to understand that sometimes I just get very lovey dovey? Or will she be able to accept the nerdy side of me that just craves for a simple non complicated loving relationship.

I'm really fucking things up. Maybe I haven't let go of the past... Maybe I'm just allowing it to creep into my life like a damn STD. I don't know whats worst, sitting around waiting for somethings to fuck up or fucking it up myself. I know I should not be focusing on the worst but I just am losing the capability to imagine another bright sunny day. I'm finding it more and more difficult to let go. As my best friend put in, I've been digging this hole for myself by not focusing on making myself better. Instead I've treating myself like shoe polish and allowing myself to get overly concerned over some things that I just can't control. I really love her with all my heart and I would go to the moon and back just to experience her rainbow filled presence. Space... that might be the answer to my question. Change and letting go is probaly the best thing for me now. I'm really sorry... and I hope that I don't end up screwing it up this time.